Teaching

So...I started my job on Tuesday. Yesterday. Whatever.

Not only was I running a bit late, I still got to class in time before it started, but there were already kids there.

Let's back up a bit...

I had passed out at 9 o'clock the night before, but woke up to a text message at 2:14. I woke up pretty much every hour after that, convinced I had overslept and I was late.

I finally get out of bed, when my alarm goes off, get ready, have breakfast and everything. My original plan had been to get to school early, make copies of the syllabus and print off my role sheet.

I walk out of the house and head out, half-way there realizing I forgot my stapler. Shit. Not to mention, I had a complete brain fart on how long it would actually take me to get to Quad-C. During rush hour. That's what I get for working so early that traffic is non-existent, makes the brain all mushy.

Anyway, so here I am, running late, realizing I have forgotten my stapler and decide to stop at Kinko's to use theirs and just make the copies there. Well, I pull into Collin Creek mall for a short cut, and take a turn too fast. Shiiiiiiiiiit. My car skids, goes over the curb and almost into another parking lot.

Whoa.

I sat there for maybe two seconds, looked around, realized my car would still go and just left. There was no one around I didn't hit anything besides the curb.

So let's recap. I'm running late, I nearly banged up my car, and now I'm even more agitated than I was before I was running late, it's the first day of class.

I walk into school, knowing I don't have enough time to print off my roster so I just head into the classroom. As I'm walking by the windows heading towards the door, I see about twenty kids in there, looking around. Crap. I walk in, and everyone knows that feeling of the first day. Everyone already in class checks out everyone who walks in the door. I have all these eyes on me, looking at me as I walk to the podium. I could almost hear their heads churning...What?? That's our professor?!?

I waited for about another five minutes, and still people came in late. It didn't really matter since people came in as late as fifteen minutes. But I went through my schpeel....and realized that I was finished after fifteen minutes.

Panic sets in. I start sweating.

OMG, what the hell are we going to do? I didn't plan a lecture for the first day because I knew I was going to let them out early, but still...not like a Full HOUR early! So I have them go around the room and introduce themselves...takes all of two minutes. So I stumble through quickly explaining the difference between primary and secondary sources and then let them go.

I stuck around for another ten minutes, answering questions and waiting for any others to come in. Out of the 35 kids I had posted in my class, 31 showed up.

I left that morning thinking that I failed. I let my nerves take over and I was still shaky from that accident, but the bottom line is, I went too fast and let myself have my confidence shaken. I know this material. At least I thought I did. Now? My confidence is shaken. I was talking to my Dad about it and that's what it felt like. I walked out of there feeling like I'd done the kids and myself a great disservice by not being as prepared as I should have been. I've had plenty of time. I can't skate through this like I did a lot of my prep work for class. This is MY class. I'm in charge and I need to be the one in control. I can't let them see how much my confidence was shaken. And it was. I thought that I was ready for this, but it seems that I need to focus and button down more. And NOT let my nerves get the best of me.

I was a bit negative yesterday, so I apologize to everyone that I talked to for being negative. I'm staying positive and I already have the next week of reading assignments planned, just gotta make them into lectures. Tomorrow's is pretty much all in my head, just need to put it in word form....