Fight

So the roommate and I had a huge thing last weekend. We're both very upset with each other and I tried to reach out today with a note telling him that I wanted to talk about this and hopefully move past it to save our friendship. I also mentioned that I had paid our re-key fee earlier in the week. What did I get back? "I already paid the $25 a week ago."

That was it.

I have no idea where to go from this. I have these horrible nightmares that we're going to end up losing the great friendship that we had because of misunderstandings and all that crap. Because in the end, that's all it is, and I would think that we could talk about it and move on from it, but it doesn't sound like he wants to at all. I tried to reach out and tell him that I miss my best friend and I get nothing back.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose our friendship at all, the crap that we're fighting about is not worth this. And if we could talk, I think that we could clear up any misconceptions either of us have. But I'm not sure that's going to happen. I'm terrified to come home to an apartment where I don't feel 100% comfortable living there. I actually went and stayed three nights last week with my Aunt because I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to have that stony silence within the entire apartment with the both of us trying to avoid the other. Or at least me trying to avoid him. For all I know he just doesn't give two shits about me anymore and I think that it's all a misunderstanding that can be cleared up if we actually talked about it. But like I said, I'm not sure that's going to happen. Because I'm afraid that if I try and reach out, like I did today, I'm just going to get shut down and I'll have to live with this festering wound for the next five months. I don't wanna live like that. I want to be able to laugh with him, talk to him, and have fun with him again. I'll apologize for any wrongdoings that I actually did commit and hopefully we can move past this.

But I'm not sure. I have a feeling that it's going to blow up in my face and I will have lost 10 years with one of my best friends. I don't know anymore. I cried, I got sad, angry, confused, and now I'm mostly just scared.

Awesome

Awesome things that have happened to me in the last 24 hours or will happen in the last 24 hours:

-Pay day! At both my jobs!

-One of the members brought us coffee today :)

-I won something at work which equals two tickets to Holiday in the Park at Six Flags.

-Because me and two others at the Front Desk, we get a pizza party today! :)

-I'm having a dinner party for my friends at school tomorrow, doing an early Bird Thanksgiving dinner. I have to make the turkey, or buy it (lol), and there are a lot of people coming, so that makes me happy.

-Just overall, it's been a good day. So far. =)

Countdown

The Graduation Countdown has officially begun!

38 days til Graduation :)

I'm starting to have slight panic attacks that I'm not getting as much stuff done as I usually need to get done at the end of each semester. One of my classes doesn't have a final paper, just a thematic syllabus. And the other one I haven't even thought about just because I don't like writing historiographies. Bah.

I'm getting apprehensive for what's going to come next. More anxieiting. Plus I'm also thinking about Christmas stuff and what I want to get everyone and who I was going to buy for this year and yada yada yada.

As for my Christmas list? I really only have one big one: For all of us to get jobs so we can move to Portland without any problems. Small stuff? It's not that big of a list, which I don't really know yet and I can't think of at the moment, so that's that. And I'm done for now. Lol.

Disappointment?

I was talking to my Mom the other day on the phone and there was something that she said which made me pause. We were talking about next year and she seemed upset that I was moving to Oregon. Which, I don't blame her, but then she said something about the DOD and why I hadn't looked into that...

The DOD basically has teaching positions overseas for bases and military personnel and such. Yeah it sounds amazing, and I would really love to do it. I would. But, it's like I told my Mom, I don't think my path is pushing me in that direction right now. Then she got quiet. And her voice sounded disappointed when she finally started talking again. It almost seemed like she was disappointed that I was moving to Oregon with friends instead of overseas with knowing no one. Big question mark.

I'm not sure what to think of this and my first reaction is to throw up my defenses and go on the attack and say, "It's my effing life, I'll do what I want with it!"

But rationally, I know that I might be overreacting a bit. I just don't know and if I can ask her about it, I'm not sure she's going to give me a straight answer, or if she does and it's not something I like, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.

My Mom and I have a tumultuous relationship. Meaning that even though I love her with all my heart and we're pretty close, we've had our hard times in the past and it's caused problems between us before. I know my Mom loves me and is proud of me, this is why I can't see why she would disappointed that I'm leaving and staying in the country instead of going out. And she also seemed agitated that I hadn't gotten my teaching certification in Texas yet. Even though I've explained to her before that the cost out of school was high, plus I was planning on moving so it wouldn't be a good idea. And taking it while in undergrad would have meant an extra year-that would mean an extra year on my graduate degree and more debt.

I'm not mad at her, I'm just curious and sometimes talking about this stuff with my Mom is hard. It's hard to look past what she says to see what's really wrong, cause I feel like she doesn't tell me how she really feels most of the time. And sometimes it feels like she's trying to live out her dreams through me. Maybe that's just the early morning coffee talking....

Anxieting

Yes I know the subject is not a real word, but it's describing my mood right now. I'm anxious and excited. Excited because, holy shit, in two months I will be walking across that UTD stage and getting my Master's diploma. And anxious because, holy Mary, I'm graduating in two months....whatthefuckamisupposedtodonowthatidonothaveschoolanymore?!?!?

After taking a DEEEEEEEEP breath and remembering that school being done is an absolute good thing; I start to prioritize what I need to be thinking about.

1) Short-term living situation: Melissa is moving in with me and Carlos until our lease ends in April. Should be interesting. After that I'm here for another few months, earning money and stuff while living as cheaply as possible.

2) Extended living situation: Me accepting Meg's cat (much to the chagrin of my allergies and their sensibilities) pushed the favor over to Portland...so in July/August we're moving to Portland!

3) Short-Term Job: This is the tricky one. I'm going to stay at Baylor and Lakewood-but I've also asked a friend of mine to put in a good word for me to substitute teach at her high school in Mesquite. So I'll be doing that until the summer and then working Baylor and Lakewood until I move.

4) Extended Job: In January, after my week vacation (hopefully!) from work, I'll be hitting the job hunt very hard. Community colleges in Portland aren't a plenty, but I'm hoping they will be hiring for either summer or fall staff so that I can put in my application and letters of reference so I can have a job when I get up there.

There are a couple of things I'm thinking about though:
a) I'm getting nervous that I haven't heard from my professor about how my lecture went.
b) I'm nervous that no one in Portland is going to want to hire someone from Texas, especially if the economy doesn't pick up.
c) I'm super nervous that I'm going to suck as a teacher. Like, it keeps me up at night and gives me the heeby-jeeby's when I think about it. Cause other than something to do with sports, I'm pretty much in the field I'm not interested in. The only other thing I can think of doing would be archival, research, or library stuff.

Plus...I worry about Mel and Meg and whether they'll find jobs in Portland and what'll happen if they can't and if they don't wanna move until they do and what's going to happen...AHHHH.

And then I take another deep breath and stop thinking and just embrace the adventure this is going to be and have faith that this is where my journey is leading me too. Call it what you will, but I need, nay have to, embark on this adventure. And even though is scares me silly sometimes, I'm doing, We're doing this. And that's it for now.

Rome

So I just gave my first lecture ever. It was pretty scary. I fumbled a couple of times, couldn't find my words and probably used too much vernacular (aka-too much slang), and said 'Appalachain' when I meant to say 'Alps'. Doh!

I'm not sure how I did. My friends in class said I did good, that the lecture was good for squeezing the entirety of Roman history into 40-45 minutes. Scary.

I think I overwhelmed people with the amount of information I put on my slides, but come on! I had 1100 years of history to wrap into 40 minutes. My friends in class told me that I did a good job, but I'm just waiting to hear from the professor to see what the final verdict is.

By the end of it, I was thinking it was getting a bit easier so I'm hoping that once I start doing this a bit more I won't be so nervous lol. Or as long as the professor doesn't tell me that I should never lecture again, then that'll probably stop that lol. I don't think that'll happen, but when it's your life here...sometimes you tend to think about the REALLY bad things so that if and when the actual one comes in, you're prepared for the bad and maybe surprised by the good...oh man.

Ups and Downs

Up: I got to spend all last weekend with Mel and Megan =)

Up: I ended my year and a half dry spell of not kissing anyone by making out with a really cute guy at a bar.

Up: Got to see All-American Rejects, Fall Out Boy, and blink 182 for free.

Up: Eddie Izzard is coming back to Dallas!!!!! And this time we have GOOOOOD seats and we don't have to drive to Tennessee to see him! =)

Up: Went to above mentioned concert with long-lost friend Liz from Angelo. It was awesome to see her again =)

Up: Bought a UT jersey.

Up: Got some really awesome looking jeans that I love and have gotten a lot of compliments on.

Down: Yes, I broke my dry spell, but it only seems that drunk guys want to make out with me, *sigh*.

Down: The guy I've been crushing on, the only guy that I've really been interested in in a long time, is dating someone. And it's not someone who I would really picture with him, which is just causing this huge question mark. Just goes to show that liking someone and working within the fitness field will not end up well for someone who does not have a "banging" body.

Down: I think I'm getting sick =(

Down: I'm starting to have mild panic attacks when I think about my upcomin lecture...

And that's been sorta what's been going on this past week. I was supposed to weigh in yesterday, but the scales at work are kinda off and I don't wanna get a wonky reading, so I'll wait til I get home today and can use Carlos's.

I want some ice cream. And a long hug from a good friend.

First Meeting

So my friends and I have decided that we're moving. We don't know exactly where to yet, but by mid to late August we will be gone. So I've decided to chronicle at least some of the exploits that entails moving. I might move this to a separate blog, but for right now let me get everyone up to speed...

I don't know when it started but the whole moving away (far away) has been a thing for me for quite some time, so I think I dragged the others into this with my loftly ambitions of getting outta Texas for a few years, but anyway, the dye has been cast.

So we (me and Mel) narrowed down the search to 7 states. Colorado, Tennessee, Georgia, Washington, Oregon, Pennsylvania, and Hawaii. The last one was just for fun really...

We originally had Illinois on there for Chicago for Megan, but the economy is REALLY not doing that great there, hence the expulsion from the list. Megan added Conneticut when we were talking so now the list is as follows:

Colorado: Boulder, Denver, Colorado City
Tennessee: Knoxville, Nashville
Georgia: Atlanta, Savannah, Athens(?)
Washington: Seattle, Spokane
Oregon: Portland, Eugene
Pennsylvania: Phillie and Pittsburg
Conneticut: Hartford
Illinois: Chicago

We were each allowed one veto vote. We all agreed to ex-nay Chicago since the economy is in the tank there. I vetoed the crap outta Conneticut, Mel said negative to Georgia, and Megan harshly cut down Tennessee. And after some convincing we agreed that Massachusetts wouldn't be that bad. So after the first of probably many meetings the list has been narrowed down to this:

Colorado: Boulder, Denver, Colorado City
Washington: Seattle, Spokane
Oregon: Portland, Eugene
Pennsylvania: Phillie and Pittsburg
Massachusetts: Boston, Amhearst

Five states and at least two cities within each state, not a bad search. Over the next few months we'll be meeting and talking some more about the options and seeing which ones will be best for us. Honestly, I'm open to visiting some of them and seeing what's what, but honestly it's going to depend on what kind of job I can get. I'll start looking in that area and get back to y'all on that.

Obsession/Dream

So I've recently (like yesterday) discovered a song by Lady Antebellum called "All We'd Ever Need" and holy crap....it's amazing what one song can do to touch a place inside you that you thought was long gone.

So after hearing this song, I had the weirdest dream today. I got in touch with Xanax...somehow...and we talked. I don't remember the conversation. All I knew is that we actually talked. It kinda felt like one of those movie montaige(sp?) moments where a scene is set to music and you can't hear anything. This song wasn't playing but it might as well have been.

Man. Weird. Anyway, here are the lyrics to the song. The melody is perfect; soft and slow and the harmony is perfect between the man and the woman.

Boy it’s been all this time
And I can’t get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I’ve prayed for you to say

Chorus
I should’ve been chasing you
I should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should’ve said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could’ve made you believe
That what we had was all we’d ever need

My friends think I’m moving on
But the truth is I’m not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I’ve kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you’re happy I’ll get through somehow
But the truth is that I’ve been screaming out

Repeat Chorus

I should’ve been chasing you
You should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
Oh you should’ve said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe you could’ve made me believe
That what we had girl
Oh that what we had, what we had
It was all we’d ever need
It was all we’d ever need

Jorb

I applied for a new job the other day. I had pretty given up on doing any job searches simply because I was still a semester away from graduating and I was comfortable in my two jobs. Comfortable and secure, two things I like very much.

But Melissa and Carlos told me about a posting on craigslist about this job at a museum downtown. They were looking for someone to coordinate their education program, basically for visiting schools and students to learn about history and such. Ding Ding Ding! I quickly (in less then three days time) put together my resume, cover letter, and references, and sent it yesterday.

I'm not sure that I'm qualified for the job, but we shall see what happens. Other then that, I'm just really excited to learn about something like this out there.

In other news:

I started my last semester at UTD on Thursday. Taking a Slavery in US Popular Culture class with a professor I've had two times already. It's going to be an interesting semester in there, I can tell. I have three more classes to go to and out of those I'll pick the one that (hopefully) won't be that much work. Lol. Lazy of me, I know. But these last two semesters have been really stressful for me and I would like to have my last one not end in a panic attack the way the last one did, haha. But we shall see, I'll know by this coming Thursday which ones I'm going to drop and which ones I'm going to keep.

I started writing a musical. It's coming together. I keep on getting random ideas from songs I hear, so I'm trying to piece it together. I asked Megan if she wanted to look at it, but I think she's afraid I won't take the criticism well so she hasn't read it yet, lol. Which is fine, but I can handle critics. I've had my short stories BLASTED before. So I'm tougher then I look, promise :)

Anywhos.....off to do....nothing really. Just kind of lazing around today, watching a movie or something and then going to a graduation dinner tonight. Should be lots of fun! Hasta!

"Real" TV

So I became one of the many masses of people watching reality TV Monday night. I didn't want to, Carlos made me. Well, not literally, but he made the offer hard to refuse. See, that show More to Love came on that night. And I had to watch, at least the last part of it.

Not going to lie, but now I understand why they didn't pick me to go on this show. And yes, folks, I did try out. I did more as a joke but a part of me always kinda wondered why they didn't pick me. And now I'm fairly certain I know why.

During the interview process, before I had even sat down, the two men doing the interview asked me what size I was. I told them I was a 20 and they both looked astonished and asked me if I was joking. Now, normally, this would come off as a, 'Wow, didn't know you were that big', but these guys made it sound like it was a 'Whoa! You're only that big?'

So I think I had that going against me, that I didn't look like a typical "fat girl" and then I really blew it in the interview process when I told them that I like to workout and run and play sports. Oh, sorry, thanks for playing-don't let the door hit you on the way out!

First off, let me say that I think there is nothing wrong with being fat. Being a fat person for the majority of my life, I think I can honestly say that it doesn't bother me as much as it used too. Do I wish to be a skinny-minnie? Not really, I wish to be healthy and active and happy. Do I have my bad days where I don't like the way I look? God, yes, but come on, that's everyone.

So, going back to the show, let me just say that some of these women are completely NUTS to let the producers put their weight for all the national TV audience to see. Come on! How is that relevant to TV? You don't see them doing that on all those other bachelor type shows do you?

But in looking at their weights and their heights, I started to wonder why there were some women who were my height and about the same weight, yet they looked heavier then me. There were a few women who fell into the size 14/16 range, but for the most part, the ladies were all above that. My only thing is, when watching the show, it was amazing that the guy could charm his way into kissing and/or almost fondling all the women he ended up choosing for the first cut. I'm not sure what my entire point is, but I think what I really want to say is: have some self-respect! You just met this dude, you're around 20 other ladies and not mention the TV cameras...they all just saw you kiss someone within an hour or so of meeting them. This is one of the main problems I have with reality TV, I get that you're supposed to find your "true love" on these things-but when it looks like just some guy wanting to take advantage of some ladies who are a bit love-starved? It just ended up leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

Which leads me back to why I wasn't picked. It sounds hypocritical-me judging the show and then talking about why I wasn't picked- but I honestly didn't think I would get picked and didn't go to the audition expecting too. I wouldn't have caused that much drama in the house, and to tell you the truth, I probably would have balked at them saying they were going to put my weight out there for everyone to see. No thanks, that's no one's busniess but mine and my scale, k?

In conclusion, I won't be watching the remainder of the show. Of if I do it'll be a complete fluke. Like I said, there's just something about it that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It might be the obvious vulnerability of these women I feel might be exploited, or that they got someone who is supposed to "boyishly" charming but just comes off sleezy.

Travel

So I was looking at this list online, of the top 15 vacation spots in North America...and I've been to 10 of them.

1. Walt Disney World- When I was five with my Mom, bro, and family in FLA.
2. NYC- 21st birthday with Meg, Jinny, and Mel. Awesome time but freeeeeezing!
3. Las Vegas- this past spring during my road trip with the Mel. Good times were not really had here only because we were cranky and staying at a crap-tastic hotel.
4. San Francisco- Ahh-mazing city. Reaaaaally expensive. Like almost ridiculous in the pricing, but good times were definitely had with the Mel on the road trip.
5. LA- Haven't been there, but I've been to the airport! So it sorta counts, but not really, lol.
6. Rivieria Maya, Mexico- Nope, looks like fun though!
7. Chicago- Went there two summers ago for a job interview. I had planned on walking aroung downtown, going out for a bit, but fifteen minutes after the interview, they called and I didn't get the job. So I ran four miles in the hotel gym, ordered a deep dish pizza and salad and passed out since I had been too nervous the night before to sleep. I left for the airport as soon as I woke up.
8. South Florida (aka-Miami, South Beach, and Ft. Lauderdale)- A great vacation time with Dad, Diana and the bro visiting Diana's brother and his partner. We saw a shark, I got a huge sunburn, but had a great time laughing and drinking it up under the very hot Florida sun.
9. Oahu- One of the best vacations I've ever been on, despite the stuff that happened afterwards. It was incredibly amazing all the things we saw and got a chance to do. One of my best memories.
10. Bahamas- Not yet. Soon. :)
11. San Diego- Went with my Dad for one of his insurance trips. I think I was 13. I ended up going to the zoo by myself while my Dad played golf. Not ideal but I took lots of pictures, lol.
12. Phoenix/Scottsdale- Nope, and honestly don't really have a desire to go either...
13. Washington DC- Went there a few years ago and walked around the mall area. We got as far as the White House before we had to turn back because it was A) Starting to rain hard and B) It was getting late and we still had a three hour drive back to Newport News, VA where we were staying.
14. Los Cabos- Since this includes Cabo San Lucas on the Baja California Peninsula, I can put a pin in this one too. Another trip with my Dad, when I was 17. A little bit older and this time my Dad and I pretty much did everything together, hit the town, had lots of drinks, and had an awesome time.
15. Maui- Haven't been here yet, but we'll see what I can finagal for the future :)

If this list is any indication, I think I'm doing pretty good for myself in logging those travel miles. Can't wait til I can get some more (hopefully international!) in those miles too. =)

Drama

I don't know who first came up with the old saying of "people come into your life for a reason", but I think they left off an important part of that..."those same people leave for a reason too".

I cling to people. It's not a secret. I cling to relationships, jobs, friendships, and clutter like I believe if I hold on just long enough I can make it work. But what I don't understand is the people coming into and out of your life thing. I've kept many friendships in my life and most of them are still fairly well intact. I guess is always makes me feel like I've personally done or said something wrong in order for that "reason" the person left to come to fruition. In truth, it comes from a whole range of things, but there's still that voice in my head telling me that it was something I did or said, or didn't do or say. Call it a fear of abandonment, but I guess everyone has a breaking point. Mine has come up recently.

I hate drama. Some people thrive on it. I can't stand the constant anxiety. Nearly driven myself into panic attacks because of it. So I've learned in years past to go with the flow and concentrate myself on more non-dramatic tendencies. Like when things get messy or mixed around at the front desk, as my manager tells it, I get a little antsy. I've put three long years back there, so I think I deserve to be a little OCD but maybe that's just me. I've moved from the point, but hence the name ramblings...

I've distanced myself from people before based on the fact that they've played little mind games before. Getting back at someone by either not returning a phone call at a crucial moment because of something I did to them the day before, or using me as their own personal clown. I get it that I used to do a LOT of stupid/funny/idiotic things. Most of them, if not all, involve lots of alcohol. I've grown up since then. A lot. I lost a best friend because of a night like that, so forgive me if I can't laugh about some of things that are similar situations.

I can laugh at myself, I do so very frequently. But when I'm around this one group of people, it seems like all we talk about is the past and how many "Briana did something stupid, let's make fun of her" stories get brought up. I'm tired of being the clown. I was the one being picked on in high school and in college I tolerated it but I'm not anymore. It's ridiculous to make fun of someone for something they've done recently, but three years ago, four years ago? Come on now...it gets old, fast. And the only ones laughing now are the ones making the jokes.

I feel like they don't even know me anymore. Hell, half the time I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't trust my own judgment when it comes to people. Another reason my dating life is non-existent. I don't want another Cacey. And I feel like the only person that will understand what I'm saying is not even here to listen to me and advise me. She's at some church camp for another month in a no cell area, and I'm losing my mind. I have all this anger and I'm not an angry person. I wanted to physically hit someone at the gym today and I'm not an overly violent person, especially for a small offense. I'm stuck in a rut and I have no idea how to get out of it. The person I use to talk to only tells me what they've been through and how their experience was so much worse, or whatever, and that I HAVE to do X, Y, and Z in order to get through it. I don't need to be mothered. I have my own wonderful mother, and she's not it.

I've tried a lot. Running has helped a lot, but all it achieves is making me completely tired and not wanting to do anything when I get off work. So is that really helping? I can't tell....Praying hasn't really worked either. I'm not the praying sort because I'm not sure who's really up there listening, but I keep on trying. I've considered going to the student counseling center, but I'm not sure that's going to work either. I hate that I have all these emotions inside me and feel like I have no outlet for them. It's ridiculous. Just more drama right? Hence my need to not be so dramatic.

I can't deal with the biting sarcasm, and the thinly veiled insults, and the stupid mind games anymore. These people were in my life for a reason and I distanced myself for a reason. So how can I just pretend everything is normal when I have all this anger? Talking to them is out of the question because nothing will get resolved. I'll just be put down with what someone else remembers happening and their turn events can never be wrong, so I'll be the one who's changed and who's having an emotional breakdown and who is the one causing all the drama. Blamed, again, for another person (persons in this case) leaving my life.

I just needed to get this out. Probably won't leave this post up for very long...just needed to vent about stuff. For the one person that reads this, I'm not going insane or having an emotional crisis so please don't tell the family. I'm strong, I'll make it through. Just needed to vent. Thanks.

Man POV

Men take things to mean very differntly then women. For example:

Having been asked out twice and turning someone down twice, and reiterating the point of JUST being friends, a female would see that as a clear indication that she wants to remain friendly and conversational with said male.

Males, on the other hand, would see themselves as being rejected, and although friendship would still afford them opportunity to spend time with the female, friendship is not the end goal. Therefore, even though they might play along with the females attempts at friendship, their ego has been bruised and that means avoid, evade, ignore and dismiss.

See, to me and my female brain, friendship shouldn't be that hard to maintain. That's how allllll this started anyway. There was a friendship. One person wanted more, the other didn't, so the friendship should be easily in tact.

Well, apparently I'm wrong, wrong, WRONG.

Plus, it doesn't help that said male thinks that said female is dating someone else. Throw in feelings of inadequacy about why said female didn't chose that male, and friendship is not going to happen. According to my manager.

At first, I wasn't really willing to believe what he was saying was true. I mean, I could see that being friends wasn't a problem, so why did it have to be right?

Once I went and sat on the bike and thought about this for about 35 minutes, I came to the conclusion that this male I was talking too (manager extraordinare!) was pretty much right. Cause, if you think about it, what did you do when you asked someone out and they said no? I know for me, I kinda do the same thing, well I definitely used too. It's been a looooong time since I asked someone out for anything other then friendly purposes. But when I did and it was gracefully rejected, I really didn't want to see that person. For awhile. BUT, if we were good friends before, I would still hang out with them and yes it might be a bit awkward at first, but if the friendship is solid then it shouldn't be that bad.

But that's how the female mind works. Able to handle complicated situations and intricate emotions. I guess guys are more basic. Simple. Not in the bad way but in an easier to understand, but not really understandable way.

Sundays

I think Sunday's are turning out to be my favorite day of the week. I sleep late, not as late as Saturday, but 10:30 is still a lot later then what I normally get to sleep to during the week, lol.

I sleep late, I lay in bed in my jammies and glasses, either watching a movie or reading (in most cases re-reading a favorite book) then I eventually leave the wonderness that is my bed and venture into the kitchen. I make eggs, toast, and cut up a banana with a big cup of coffee. One of my favorite parts of the day is making that huge breakfast and just sitting and watching trashy TV on Bravo, haha.

And that's the biggest part of my day. The rest is either spent reading some more, watching movies, and running some errands. I do laundry and just chill until Animation Domination comes on 7. Oh the busy life I lead.

Well, today should be adventurous. Carlos and I are going to go to Torrid, (Yay!) to get a dress for Cassie's wedding next weekend. So of course, gotta bring my gay along to get the accessories right cause lord knows I'm not good at that, lol. Here's a pic of the dress I'm looking to get:

Here it is.

And that's about it. I really think that Sunday's are my favorite day now. =)

Three

This week marks the three year anniversary of my trip to Hawaii. Today marks the exact date, the day of the King Kamehameha parade, that I met my first love for the very first time. We had talked for almost a year before-and after much drama, laughter, anger, and hours' long discussions, I finally met him. Courtney, the former best friend, went downstairs at the hotel with me. I don't know why I was afraid, more nervous then anything else I guess. I think I was nervous that it would be awkward or I'd say something really stupid.

And then I saw him sitting in the lobby, looking better then his pictures ever did. And I knew then what I repeatedly denied, I was in love with him.

I really can't believe that it's been three years since that day. So much has happened, and I didn't even realize that it was today until I was going through old e-mails and seeing that I had kept some of the more emotional ones I wrote to him. Reading them now...I can still remember what I felt when they were sent.

Looking back at that time in my life, I can definitely say that I was naive and wistful throughout the duration of that "relationship". I wanted things to work out so well between us that I saw what I wanted to see, heard what I wanted to hear, and kept on trying to hold onto something that possibly wasn't there in the first place.

Three years have gone by and I still look back on the whole thing as an okay experience. I learned a lot. I learned what I want and what I definitely do NOT want in a relationship. Did a lot of it really suck? God, yes. But there were also some pretty amazingly great times as well. Times I still miss, actually. I don't feel weak for admitting I miss what we had. He was a very close friend for such a long time, and now we have no contact at all. I wonder sometimes if that's for the best or if I still need his friendship.

I haven't had a significant relationship with a guy since him. I'm not blaming him for ruining my romantic sentiments, but I think I'm a lot more jaded then I was before. I've thought about trying to get in touch with him again, but for what purpose? Reminiscing about old times? Checking on him to see if he's thought about me since the last time we've talked?

I don't know what made me go to my e-mail today and finally delete all that stuff (which I did, it's allllll gone), but I'm glad I did. It gave me the ability to reflect on what I went through and see that I have come out a stronger, if not a more cynical person. I still want that relationship but I'm not settling for something that could be "good enough". I've always had this feeling that me and him really weren't finished. Just like one of my stories, our final chapters haven't come yet. Am I wrong? Probably. I've always had really bad luck when it comes to guessing what's going to happen between me and guys...

For now, all I can do is take it day by day and relationship by relationship. Whether that be friendship or something more, I just have to take it in stride and see where fate leads me.

confuzzled

I've never really been a wishy-washy type person. USUALLY, I make a decision and that's that. I might think about how that decision could have ended up had I gone a different direction, but for the most I'm pretty set with the choice I made. What has this got to with anything? Well, lately, I've been doing the whole, "what-if" game in accordance with this guy who asked me out (sorta) not too long ago. I never really gave him an answer, and then he wasn't talking to me, he deleted me from his myspace page (how juvenile) and it's been a really tense work enviornment sometimes when I see him. My reasons for not wanting to go out with him in the place, or just avoiding the subject were/are:
1. I don't have enough time. Lame excuse but it's at the top because it's true. I barely see Carlos and I live with him. I feel as if it's very unfair to go into a relationship knowing I will have limited time to devote to it. That's not fair for the other person and not fair for me either.
2. If I could get past number one, I would have to be really interested (romantically) in someone. Now I'm not saying I'm completely ambivalent to this guy, but I'm not that interested to look past number one.
3. This dude kind of has mood swings. I get that people go through shit all the time in their life, but when it's a daily thing...that worries me a bit...
4. I like having my independent time. I might lament about wanting a boyfriend, but truth is, I like being single. I miss the connection of having someone, like the closeness (no matter how one-sided that was) I had with Xanax. I miss that, not necessarily him (though I still do sometimes) but the closeness of having a guy know me that well.
5. Getting to know someone well enough to want to date them takes effort. Effort I'm not sure I want to spend right now...
6. I'm leaving. Not tomorrow or next week, but soon enough. And since I want a long-term thing, starting something with someone here that I know is going to end sooner or later is not in the plus column.
7. I'm scared. Bottom line.

That's why my head went into the "what-if" game in the first place. I made my decisions based on the fact that I was scared. I "justified" my reasoning and ignored the issue. Then when I was in turn ignored and that made me question my decision. Was I going to let fear be my guide? Was I going to let my fear take over my decision making ability?

So I started talking to the big kahuna and asking for guidance. Then my horoscope said yesterday that someone who had recently been quiet would start speaking again and the "truth" would come out. Well, it happened. Yesterday we actually had a "conversation". As much of one as we can have in the lobby of my work. And then he e-mailed me over myspace (adding me as a friend again) and asked me out. Hence my dilemna.....

Part of me wants to rebel against my logic and reasoning (and fear still to some extent) and just say yes. But the independent (and lazy, lol) part of me just wants to stay in the friend zone. How do I say this and not be a bitch or lead him on? That's the question. I hate to lie, but I'm going to have to pretend that I didn't get the e-mail yet. I'd rather have a few days to clear my head and then answer it. I'm heading to Angelo on Saturday, so hopefully I can see Megan and ask her about this. I'm just having the damndest time...I think maybe my head's getting to far into this. But if I trust something else, I know I won't do it. Mostly because I don't feel that way about him. But can I ignore the signs? I don't think I can. But that maybe just me looking for an excuse. Fuck. I'm so confused. Add that my papers are due next week to the mix and my head is a jumbled mess. bah.

Inspiration

Yeah, so I suck at this blogging thing I guess, lol. I don't even write in my hand-written journal anymore I don't think, lol. Anyway, I was just sitting at home on the computer and thinking about things...

Someone asked me the other day what inspires me. I answered with the usual answers: music and other writings.

But for the most part, dreams and people inspire me. Yes music and other writings do have a big effect, but for the most part, I tend to think about dreams and what other people or real people or fake people would do/say/think, etc...

I like to sit back and observe a lot. In new places, old places, around my best friends or complete strangers. It's just nice to go somewhere and observe and just listen and soak in whatever is going on around me without having to interfere. Like just last night, I was sitting at Chili's with three of my absolute favorite people, Erin, Kevin, and Dario. And for the most part I was just listening to them and watching their interactions with the world. It was great. I came home and slept and had this amazing dream about different things. It's those kind of things that inspire me. Nature, love, life, reality, fantasy, friends, surrondings, smells, sounds. All those things come together in one defining moment and put something into your brain. Makes me appreciate life in so many different ways.

I know people complain about life (job, money, economy, love, family, friends), but if you get a closer look, even once in awhile, life is something to be experienced and cherished and loved. So many people in the world take the inspirtations in life and turn it into something negative and hurtful. Take your life inspirations and do soemthing positive with it. Write a poem, visit a park, talk to someone you haven't spoken to in a long time, just be happy. Find inspiration and just go with it. You never know where it might take you.

Okay, I'm done. Time to go to work. Yay for only one job today, woot! :)