Disappointment?

I was talking to my Mom the other day on the phone and there was something that she said which made me pause. We were talking about next year and she seemed upset that I was moving to Oregon. Which, I don't blame her, but then she said something about the DOD and why I hadn't looked into that...

The DOD basically has teaching positions overseas for bases and military personnel and such. Yeah it sounds amazing, and I would really love to do it. I would. But, it's like I told my Mom, I don't think my path is pushing me in that direction right now. Then she got quiet. And her voice sounded disappointed when she finally started talking again. It almost seemed like she was disappointed that I was moving to Oregon with friends instead of overseas with knowing no one. Big question mark.

I'm not sure what to think of this and my first reaction is to throw up my defenses and go on the attack and say, "It's my effing life, I'll do what I want with it!"

But rationally, I know that I might be overreacting a bit. I just don't know and if I can ask her about it, I'm not sure she's going to give me a straight answer, or if she does and it's not something I like, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.

My Mom and I have a tumultuous relationship. Meaning that even though I love her with all my heart and we're pretty close, we've had our hard times in the past and it's caused problems between us before. I know my Mom loves me and is proud of me, this is why I can't see why she would disappointed that I'm leaving and staying in the country instead of going out. And she also seemed agitated that I hadn't gotten my teaching certification in Texas yet. Even though I've explained to her before that the cost out of school was high, plus I was planning on moving so it wouldn't be a good idea. And taking it while in undergrad would have meant an extra year-that would mean an extra year on my graduate degree and more debt.

I'm not mad at her, I'm just curious and sometimes talking about this stuff with my Mom is hard. It's hard to look past what she says to see what's really wrong, cause I feel like she doesn't tell me how she really feels most of the time. And sometimes it feels like she's trying to live out her dreams through me. Maybe that's just the early morning coffee talking....

Anxieting

Yes I know the subject is not a real word, but it's describing my mood right now. I'm anxious and excited. Excited because, holy shit, in two months I will be walking across that UTD stage and getting my Master's diploma. And anxious because, holy Mary, I'm graduating in two months....whatthefuckamisupposedtodonowthatidonothaveschoolanymore?!?!?

After taking a DEEEEEEEEP breath and remembering that school being done is an absolute good thing; I start to prioritize what I need to be thinking about.

1) Short-term living situation: Melissa is moving in with me and Carlos until our lease ends in April. Should be interesting. After that I'm here for another few months, earning money and stuff while living as cheaply as possible.

2) Extended living situation: Me accepting Meg's cat (much to the chagrin of my allergies and their sensibilities) pushed the favor over to Portland...so in July/August we're moving to Portland!

3) Short-Term Job: This is the tricky one. I'm going to stay at Baylor and Lakewood-but I've also asked a friend of mine to put in a good word for me to substitute teach at her high school in Mesquite. So I'll be doing that until the summer and then working Baylor and Lakewood until I move.

4) Extended Job: In January, after my week vacation (hopefully!) from work, I'll be hitting the job hunt very hard. Community colleges in Portland aren't a plenty, but I'm hoping they will be hiring for either summer or fall staff so that I can put in my application and letters of reference so I can have a job when I get up there.

There are a couple of things I'm thinking about though:
a) I'm getting nervous that I haven't heard from my professor about how my lecture went.
b) I'm nervous that no one in Portland is going to want to hire someone from Texas, especially if the economy doesn't pick up.
c) I'm super nervous that I'm going to suck as a teacher. Like, it keeps me up at night and gives me the heeby-jeeby's when I think about it. Cause other than something to do with sports, I'm pretty much in the field I'm not interested in. The only other thing I can think of doing would be archival, research, or library stuff.

Plus...I worry about Mel and Meg and whether they'll find jobs in Portland and what'll happen if they can't and if they don't wanna move until they do and what's going to happen...AHHHH.

And then I take another deep breath and stop thinking and just embrace the adventure this is going to be and have faith that this is where my journey is leading me too. Call it what you will, but I need, nay have to, embark on this adventure. And even though is scares me silly sometimes, I'm doing, We're doing this. And that's it for now.

Rome

So I just gave my first lecture ever. It was pretty scary. I fumbled a couple of times, couldn't find my words and probably used too much vernacular (aka-too much slang), and said 'Appalachain' when I meant to say 'Alps'. Doh!

I'm not sure how I did. My friends in class said I did good, that the lecture was good for squeezing the entirety of Roman history into 40-45 minutes. Scary.

I think I overwhelmed people with the amount of information I put on my slides, but come on! I had 1100 years of history to wrap into 40 minutes. My friends in class told me that I did a good job, but I'm just waiting to hear from the professor to see what the final verdict is.

By the end of it, I was thinking it was getting a bit easier so I'm hoping that once I start doing this a bit more I won't be so nervous lol. Or as long as the professor doesn't tell me that I should never lecture again, then that'll probably stop that lol. I don't think that'll happen, but when it's your life here...sometimes you tend to think about the REALLY bad things so that if and when the actual one comes in, you're prepared for the bad and maybe surprised by the good...oh man.

Ups and Downs

Up: I got to spend all last weekend with Mel and Megan =)

Up: I ended my year and a half dry spell of not kissing anyone by making out with a really cute guy at a bar.

Up: Got to see All-American Rejects, Fall Out Boy, and blink 182 for free.

Up: Eddie Izzard is coming back to Dallas!!!!! And this time we have GOOOOOD seats and we don't have to drive to Tennessee to see him! =)

Up: Went to above mentioned concert with long-lost friend Liz from Angelo. It was awesome to see her again =)

Up: Bought a UT jersey.

Up: Got some really awesome looking jeans that I love and have gotten a lot of compliments on.

Down: Yes, I broke my dry spell, but it only seems that drunk guys want to make out with me, *sigh*.

Down: The guy I've been crushing on, the only guy that I've really been interested in in a long time, is dating someone. And it's not someone who I would really picture with him, which is just causing this huge question mark. Just goes to show that liking someone and working within the fitness field will not end up well for someone who does not have a "banging" body.

Down: I think I'm getting sick =(

Down: I'm starting to have mild panic attacks when I think about my upcomin lecture...

And that's been sorta what's been going on this past week. I was supposed to weigh in yesterday, but the scales at work are kinda off and I don't wanna get a wonky reading, so I'll wait til I get home today and can use Carlos's.

I want some ice cream. And a long hug from a good friend.

First Meeting

So my friends and I have decided that we're moving. We don't know exactly where to yet, but by mid to late August we will be gone. So I've decided to chronicle at least some of the exploits that entails moving. I might move this to a separate blog, but for right now let me get everyone up to speed...

I don't know when it started but the whole moving away (far away) has been a thing for me for quite some time, so I think I dragged the others into this with my loftly ambitions of getting outta Texas for a few years, but anyway, the dye has been cast.

So we (me and Mel) narrowed down the search to 7 states. Colorado, Tennessee, Georgia, Washington, Oregon, Pennsylvania, and Hawaii. The last one was just for fun really...

We originally had Illinois on there for Chicago for Megan, but the economy is REALLY not doing that great there, hence the expulsion from the list. Megan added Conneticut when we were talking so now the list is as follows:

Colorado: Boulder, Denver, Colorado City
Tennessee: Knoxville, Nashville
Georgia: Atlanta, Savannah, Athens(?)
Washington: Seattle, Spokane
Oregon: Portland, Eugene
Pennsylvania: Phillie and Pittsburg
Conneticut: Hartford
Illinois: Chicago

We were each allowed one veto vote. We all agreed to ex-nay Chicago since the economy is in the tank there. I vetoed the crap outta Conneticut, Mel said negative to Georgia, and Megan harshly cut down Tennessee. And after some convincing we agreed that Massachusetts wouldn't be that bad. So after the first of probably many meetings the list has been narrowed down to this:

Colorado: Boulder, Denver, Colorado City
Washington: Seattle, Spokane
Oregon: Portland, Eugene
Pennsylvania: Phillie and Pittsburg
Massachusetts: Boston, Amhearst

Five states and at least two cities within each state, not a bad search. Over the next few months we'll be meeting and talking some more about the options and seeing which ones will be best for us. Honestly, I'm open to visiting some of them and seeing what's what, but honestly it's going to depend on what kind of job I can get. I'll start looking in that area and get back to y'all on that.

Obsession/Dream

So I've recently (like yesterday) discovered a song by Lady Antebellum called "All We'd Ever Need" and holy crap....it's amazing what one song can do to touch a place inside you that you thought was long gone.

So after hearing this song, I had the weirdest dream today. I got in touch with Xanax...somehow...and we talked. I don't remember the conversation. All I knew is that we actually talked. It kinda felt like one of those movie montaige(sp?) moments where a scene is set to music and you can't hear anything. This song wasn't playing but it might as well have been.

Man. Weird. Anyway, here are the lyrics to the song. The melody is perfect; soft and slow and the harmony is perfect between the man and the woman.

Boy it’s been all this time
And I can’t get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I’ve prayed for you to say

Chorus
I should’ve been chasing you
I should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should’ve said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could’ve made you believe
That what we had was all we’d ever need

My friends think I’m moving on
But the truth is I’m not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I’ve kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you’re happy I’ll get through somehow
But the truth is that I’ve been screaming out

Repeat Chorus

I should’ve been chasing you
You should’ve been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
Oh you should’ve said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe you could’ve made me believe
That what we had girl
Oh that what we had, what we had
It was all we’d ever need
It was all we’d ever need

Jorb

I applied for a new job the other day. I had pretty given up on doing any job searches simply because I was still a semester away from graduating and I was comfortable in my two jobs. Comfortable and secure, two things I like very much.

But Melissa and Carlos told me about a posting on craigslist about this job at a museum downtown. They were looking for someone to coordinate their education program, basically for visiting schools and students to learn about history and such. Ding Ding Ding! I quickly (in less then three days time) put together my resume, cover letter, and references, and sent it yesterday.

I'm not sure that I'm qualified for the job, but we shall see what happens. Other then that, I'm just really excited to learn about something like this out there.

In other news:

I started my last semester at UTD on Thursday. Taking a Slavery in US Popular Culture class with a professor I've had two times already. It's going to be an interesting semester in there, I can tell. I have three more classes to go to and out of those I'll pick the one that (hopefully) won't be that much work. Lol. Lazy of me, I know. But these last two semesters have been really stressful for me and I would like to have my last one not end in a panic attack the way the last one did, haha. But we shall see, I'll know by this coming Thursday which ones I'm going to drop and which ones I'm going to keep.

I started writing a musical. It's coming together. I keep on getting random ideas from songs I hear, so I'm trying to piece it together. I asked Megan if she wanted to look at it, but I think she's afraid I won't take the criticism well so she hasn't read it yet, lol. Which is fine, but I can handle critics. I've had my short stories BLASTED before. So I'm tougher then I look, promise :)

Anywhos.....off to do....nothing really. Just kind of lazing around today, watching a movie or something and then going to a graduation dinner tonight. Should be lots of fun! Hasta!