Three

This week marks the three year anniversary of my trip to Hawaii. Today marks the exact date, the day of the King Kamehameha parade, that I met my first love for the very first time. We had talked for almost a year before-and after much drama, laughter, anger, and hours' long discussions, I finally met him. Courtney, the former best friend, went downstairs at the hotel with me. I don't know why I was afraid, more nervous then anything else I guess. I think I was nervous that it would be awkward or I'd say something really stupid.

And then I saw him sitting in the lobby, looking better then his pictures ever did. And I knew then what I repeatedly denied, I was in love with him.

I really can't believe that it's been three years since that day. So much has happened, and I didn't even realize that it was today until I was going through old e-mails and seeing that I had kept some of the more emotional ones I wrote to him. Reading them now...I can still remember what I felt when they were sent.

Looking back at that time in my life, I can definitely say that I was naive and wistful throughout the duration of that "relationship". I wanted things to work out so well between us that I saw what I wanted to see, heard what I wanted to hear, and kept on trying to hold onto something that possibly wasn't there in the first place.

Three years have gone by and I still look back on the whole thing as an okay experience. I learned a lot. I learned what I want and what I definitely do NOT want in a relationship. Did a lot of it really suck? God, yes. But there were also some pretty amazingly great times as well. Times I still miss, actually. I don't feel weak for admitting I miss what we had. He was a very close friend for such a long time, and now we have no contact at all. I wonder sometimes if that's for the best or if I still need his friendship.

I haven't had a significant relationship with a guy since him. I'm not blaming him for ruining my romantic sentiments, but I think I'm a lot more jaded then I was before. I've thought about trying to get in touch with him again, but for what purpose? Reminiscing about old times? Checking on him to see if he's thought about me since the last time we've talked?

I don't know what made me go to my e-mail today and finally delete all that stuff (which I did, it's allllll gone), but I'm glad I did. It gave me the ability to reflect on what I went through and see that I have come out a stronger, if not a more cynical person. I still want that relationship but I'm not settling for something that could be "good enough". I've always had this feeling that me and him really weren't finished. Just like one of my stories, our final chapters haven't come yet. Am I wrong? Probably. I've always had really bad luck when it comes to guessing what's going to happen between me and guys...

For now, all I can do is take it day by day and relationship by relationship. Whether that be friendship or something more, I just have to take it in stride and see where fate leads me.